An obligatory body image post. Obligatory, being the self-critical teenage girl that I am. If you feel so inclined:
I’m going to ruin the next two weeks with some last minute attempts to slim down before moving up to Seattle— because I really need to add one more thing to worry about. Worrying is one of my favorite pass times; it’s like my superpower.
The internet over-sharer that I am, I feel like I should spill these facts all over this blog. That occasional mistake of weighing myself was made this morning. 134 was the result of that, along with thoughts like “well, that still makes for a healthy BMI, but you’re so close to being hot that you should just lose ten pounds.” It’s such abusive bullshit that I’m putting on myself. Not only am I beating myself up over my body, but I’m beating myself up for beating myself up about it. Thanks a lot, self-awareness, you’re a real pal.
More than the people who are naturally fit, I’m jealous of the people who are OK with simply being healthy. More than someone with a nice body, I envy every person who is content with themselves— whatever that looks like. What’s considered attractive is so subjective, and everything’s ephemeral, so why does it really matter? I want to be happy with how I look now, but I’m genuinely not. It’s more important to me to feel confident and happy with myself than living up to this ideal that I have of being happy with any shape or size.
And it’s stupid to be ashamed about wanting to be in better shape, right? I want to resist the idea that thin is beautiful that I’m condemning the positives in it as well as the negatives. I want clothes to fit right and not have that latent worry that I’m slouching and it’s advertising the fact that my abs are a mess.
I’m going to disguise this as a chance to eat better food, drink more water, and detox so that I’ll be healthier for school. But it’s also about having more space between my thighs and slimming down around my hips. We’ll see how it goes.
This post wasn’t very nice to read. I should have put some more interesting words in it.